I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
