Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
