my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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