I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
