I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
