So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
