Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
