im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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