I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
