I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
