FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
