My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
