i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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