We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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