Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
