Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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