I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
