Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
