I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
