im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
