Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
