can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
