god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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