You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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