I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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