She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
