My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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