Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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