it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
