I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
