just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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