Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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