So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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