It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
