She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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