I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
