im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
