my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Congratulations! We have a period
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