I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
