Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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