And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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