This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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