hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
