my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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