the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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