I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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