Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
