everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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