Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
