Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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