JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
