nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
