im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
